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Kitten's BDSM Fundamentals

Updated: Jan 8


Kinky is using a feather. Freaky is using the whole chicken.


Welcome to BDSM! I know you have some questions. "What is it? How do I fit in? Where do I start?" This article is an incredibly basic introduction to a very expansive topic that could quickly become a book! Thankfully it has and at the end of this article, I've listed some reading material to get you started. BDSM can range from adding a little kink to the bedroom or evolve into a full 24/7 power exchange like mine.


BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism. The D and s also refer to Dominance and submission. It's been said that BDSM is what you do. D/s is who you are.





Dominance and submission

BDSM involves a power exchange between partners including behaviors, customs, and rituals requiring the submission of one person to another during a scene or in an ongoing lifestyle. Dominance is having control and influence over another person and submission is being obedient and yielding to the wishes of the Dominant. Some people naturally fall into only one category and other people can play the role of both top and bottom. We refer to them as switches.


Bondage

Bondage is the act of tying or restraining your partner and can come in the form of rope, restraints, blindfolds, handcuffs, gags, chains, furniture, etc. The more restrictive the bindings, the less time a person can stay in them and the tighter they are, the higher the risk of damage. When participating in bondage always keep a pair of safety scissors on hand for quick removal. Be aware of numbness, cold fingertips and toes, dizziness and any discoloration of the skin. The kink community dramatically prefers restraints over handcuffs or ties that can contract as they are pulled on. Handcuffs, even padded, are narrow and can be over tightened increasing the likelihood of injury to nerves, tendons and blood vessels. A basic cuff and collar set is an excellent place to start!


My other senses are heightened in the darkness. The satin, black mask conceals the light from forcing me to see with my ears. I listen intently to the crackle of the velcro as my final limb is cuffed to the bed restraints. His fingertips trace the curves of my hips and send electricity through my body, causing my hair to stand on end. All my cares melt away, for I know I am bound to His will. There is no existence outside of Him and I. There is nothing but the smell of His sweat. Nothing but the two of us in this moment. Nothing but the breath on my lips and the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. I anxiously await His next move.


Discipline

Discipline comes into play when the Dominant sets rules for the submissive that they are expected to obey. Rules can be set to the parameters of the scene or fall outside of the bedroom to include how the submissive is supposed to behave, dress, speak and may have a list of chores to do or protocols to follow. When rules of expected behavior are broken, punishment is received (or given) by spanking, caning, humiliation, errands, writing lines and more. For me, the more creative the punishment, the better!


He knows I know much I loathe the paddle. It's composed of a solid, pale wood with holes cut out allowing it to glide swiftly through the air. The speed and weight of its movements lead to an intense and unmerciful bite. Once again my mouth has gotten me in trouble. He recognizes all He has to do is threaten me with it for me to shift my intolerable attitude. I apologize profusely. I do as I'm instructed. He knows how much I loathe the paddle.


Sadism

Receiving pleasure or sexual gratification from inflicting physical and emotional pain upon another person is referred to as sadism. However, they say the true sadist derives no joy from the pain he generates because the masochist is enjoying it.


Sir's cock was plunging into her, aggressively exploring the deepest parts of her being, drool spilling out around the ball strapped tightly in her mouth. Her eyes shook and looked up at me with a vague curiosity, silently asking if I were her savior or demise. My hand quickly darted to her neck, firmly wrapping itself around her throat. Dragging my tongue along the side of her face, I whispered, "Don't look at me for help, you dirty little whore." She moans as her eyes relax and roll back into her head, succumbing to the overwhelming euphoria.


Masochism

Masochists receive pleasure or sexual gratification from enduring emotional or physical pain. This pain can come in the form of spanking, clamps, needles, suction, electricity, flogging, caning, etc. or range to humiliation, degradation, rape simulation, shadow play or other RACK activities (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink).


"Thank you, Sir!" I whimper as the flogger snaps against my glowing ass. The sharp pain quickly dissolving into bliss as endorphins crash into my blood. I bite my lip as He tenderly drags the soft leather along my spine, teasing every nerve along the way. "Please, Sir," I beg as chills roll across my skin. "Please, what?" He growls. "Please hit me again, Sir!"





From the outside, non-practitioners can see BDSM as abusive, dehumanizing and perverted. “It’s always consensual,” says Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101. “Abuse is not.” You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.” The truth about BDSM is that it can be incredibly nurturing. Trust is the foundation of BDSM that comes with clear and concise communication and emotional maturity.


"In 2006, Pamala Connoly compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders. Compared to the normative samples, BDSM practitioners had lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia. In 2013 Andreas Wismeijer and Marcel van Assen compared BDSM practitioners to non-BDSM-practitioners on major personality traits. Their results showed that in comparison to non-practitioners, BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being. Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity."


BDSM is a means to push our boundaries and safely explore our sexual fantasies. We refer to BDSM encounters as "scenes" which are negotiated beforehand by the Dominant (Top) and submissive (bottom). Often a checklist can be an aid to begin negotiations. A checklist will have a list of activities that you rate your interest in and list experience or mark yes, no, maybe. Here is an example of a BDSM checklist. http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm.


Before a scene, it can be helpful to create a list of possible activities and toys that will be in use during a scene. Making a list can help new Dominants to avoid experiencing "writer's block" and for there to also be explicit consent from the submissive to all possible scenarios. At any point during a scene, a submissive can use their safe word to stop or pause the interaction. Commonly used safe words are yellow, meaning "I don't want you to stop but if you don't back off a little I'm going to need you to stop." and red, meaning, "Stop right now." If a sub is wearing a ball gag a sound may be used or a movement of the body. My Dom will even check in by squeezing my hand twice to see if I am still with him. If I am, I respond with two squeezes in return. Verbally asking can sometimes be distracting and break the energy.


It's important to vet potential partners before jumping right into a scene. I suggest meeting for coffee to get to know each other and prepare a list of questions ahead of time to assist in the vetting process. I found this article to have some helpful suggestions for what to ask.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/finding_dominant_submissive.html


It's not uncommon for both Dominants and submissives to ask for references from past playmates. There is a level of risk involved when engaging in BDSM and explicitly trusting your partner is key to a thriving scene. During a scene, a sub will find themselves flying high in what we call "subspace" brought on by a wave of endorphins and adrenaline. It's important that we trust our Doms to read our bodies and occasionally make the decision for us when enough is enough. This rush is also why aftercare is so important for both parties. Aftercare may include cuddling, snacks, water, massage or alone time. Every person is different and this is an excellent topic to touch on ahead of time.


Sir holds my hand and leads me to the bath where he helps me into the oval tub. My toe dips into the hot water instantly soothing my body. I slip into its warm embrace and let it hold me like a hug. I sigh as I feel the strain of our intense scene leaving my body. Riding on a blissful high I close my eyes and exhale. He returns with a glass of water, a loaded pipe and a sweet kiss on the forehead. "Let me know if you need me, Baby Boo", He says before gently disappearing from my view.






What I've written for you is the very tip of the iceberg! I suggest joining online forums, attending local munches and classes, and reading as much as you can. Here is a list of books I recommend starting with:


The New Topping Book

The New Bottoming Book

SM 101

Screw the Roses Give Me Thorns

Domination and Submission: The BDSM Handbook


I wish you all the best on this new journey and hope for every one of my readers to have safe, sane, consensual, and incredibly fulfilling encounters. Go slow, educate yourself and have fun!


To stay up to date on all my writings, sign up for my email list and follow me on facebook. Until next time!


Your Kinky Kitty,

Jessica RAVAGE


#BDSM #Bondage #Dominance #Discipline #Submission #Sadism #Mascochism #Vetting #safeword #subspace #aftercare






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